New Device Allows You to Charge Your Phone …..While You Masturbate

wankbandYes boys and girls you read that headline CORRECTLY. Now you can take multitasking to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

The adult website “PORNHUB” may be awarded the NOBEL PRIZE after this device hits the markets.

In a press release, the company recently announced its plan to “penetrate the wearable market with their brand new Wankband.”

The Wankband is a wearable wristband that’s a bit similar to a Fitbit. It generates and stores electricity via a back-and-forth motion of the wrist. Given that’s it’s called a Wankband, you can guess exactly what type of motion we’re talking about here. I wonder if there’s an app you have to search for in the app stores every 3 months

From there, you can just plug any device into the Wankband’s USB port and charge it. “We’re showing men that they can save the planet by doing what they do best,” says the promotional video. The wristband is currently in the development stages, though Pornhub will be putting out a call for beta testers in the coming months.

Though Pornhub claims that the wristband works for both men and women, and that it will “adapt to your routine,” the wrist-flicking motion that powers the wristband seems specific to penile masturbation.

We’ve reached out to Pornhub for more information about the Wankband’s capabilities, but hopefully they’ll develop something that generates energy based on the movements of clitoral masturbation. Perhaps next year, ladies will get something more along the lines of a Wank Ring. And maybe just MAYBE Apple will be the first to jump on this technology so that ladies can wait out in line all night for it or the fellas too. right before Christmas like a Black Friday release.

But here is the announcement video:

Woman Caught Masturbating In Theater During 50 Shades Of Grey

50shadesIn “OF COURSE THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN NEWS” the book that already had many women hot & bothered just on public transportation which has been turned into a movie has gotten a woman “caught” in the moment in a movie theater, pulling her own Pee-Wee Herman.

The woman, said to be 33 years old, was caught red-handed while watching the film at a cinema in Sinaloa, western Mexico.

She was noticed by other cinemagoers and reported. It was also claimed she was sitting in the 12th row of the movie house.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is based on the best-selling book by E.L. James and features the S&M relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.

The woman was arrested and, ironically, given the S&M nature of the movie, slapped in handcuffs by cops, which we are not sure if she enjoyed it fully or not.

The movie based on the best-selling novel by E.L. James was released earlier this month to mixed reviews and stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan playing a couple who begin a sadomasochistic relationship.

Despite not being loved by the critics, a sequel is planned as it has already taken more than $320 million at the box office.

Ex-WWE Star Twerks And Its Not A Good One

chynatwerkThis is possibly just as brutal to watch as the “One Night In Chyna” porno.

Joanie Laurer formerly known as WWE Superstar “Chyna” has just released a video of herself attempting to twerk and it just looks…well watch for yourself.

This comes after WWE COO Triple H said on Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Podacst, that Chyna would possibly never be admitted into the WWE Hall of Fame due to the aforementioned sextape.  Chyna was the WWE’s 1st and so far only female Intercontinental Champion.

Check out the struggle video for yourself. At this point this just seems like a cry for help.

UK Krispy Kreme Store Pulls Controversial Ad

Krispy KremeIts somewhat hilarious when a company has to either rethink or pull an ad because someone actually thought it wouldnt cause any type of ruckus.

A Krispy Kreme branch in Hull, England, has canceled its “KKK Wednesday” promotion, after the company received complaints that the acronym is generally associated with the Ku Klux Klan hate group.

“Krispy Kreme apologizes unreservedly for the inappropriate name of a customer promotion at one of our stores,” a Krispy Kreme spokeswoman said in a statement Tuesday.

“This promotion was never intended to cause offense. All material has been withdrawn and an internal investigation is currently underway,” she said.

The “KKK Wednesday” promotion, which stands for “Krispy Kreme Klub Wednesday,” attracted social media attention after it was posted to Krispy Kreme’s U.K. Facebook page. The promotion was targeted toward students during their semester break.

KKKWednesday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The post has since been removed and the Hull branch has changed the name of the event.

“We don’t have a new name for the event yet but it is still going ahead this week,” a spokeswoman for the branch told the Hull Daily Mail

 

Woman Makes Snack Food From A “Special Place”

wtfThis right here automatically goes in the WHAT THEE F*WK category.  We have covered some weird, odd and ignorant news stories on this site but this right here is pretty much up there in the top ten.

So apparently there is a cooking book centered around using semen as a cooking ingredient. Yes ladies and gentlemen you read correctly. It is called Natural Harvest and it has been around since 2008. “The taste of semen is complex and dynamic,” the cookbook maintains. “Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.” Free range.

Because Natural Harvest exists, a group of female friends were a little annoyed that there wasn’t a cookbook utilizing naturally occurring feminine secretions. So an MD/PhD-enrolled student at the University of Wisconsin, set out to unlock the inner food-maker. Cecilia Westbrook hypothesized that because the vagina is lined with healthy bacteria, and micro-organisms, yogurt was the place to start.

We’ll give the vaginal floor over to Janet Jay, who wrote about the cultivation for VICE’s Motherboard:

Every vagina is home to hundreds of different types of bacteria and organisms. These organisms produce lactic acid, hydrogen peroxide, and other substances that keep the vagina healthy. The dominant bacteria is called lactobacillus, which also happens to be what people sometimes use to culture milk, cheese, and yogurt.
Westbrook knew enough about the chemistry of the vagina to think that eating a batch of yogurt made from her ladyjuices would be good for her. The reason was probiotics—friendly bacteria that, when ingested, are believed to help in keeping our intestines healthy.

The “collection method” was done with a wooden spoon. [Westbrook] set up a positive control (made with actual yogurt as the starter culture) and a negative control (plain milk with nothing added), and combined her own home-made ingredient to the third batch of yogurt. Left overnight, the magic of biology created a respectably-sized bowl.

So how’d it taste? Westbrook reported that, “her first batch of yogurt tasted sour, tangy, and almost tingly on the tongue. She compared it to Indian yogurt, and ate it with some blueberries.”

Look I am all for equality in everything, but hell there shouldn’t even be one with dudes juices let alone females and is this at all considered to be GLUTEN FREE. Of course it was Wisconsin they love using diary and cheese curds in any way possible.

vaginayogurt

Police In New Hampshire Want Legendary Creature Arrested

punxsutawney-philI dont know if this is just IGNORANT NEWS more so “WE DONT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO AS A COMMUNITY” news.

Police officers in a New Hampshire town had put out an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil…..yes the Groundhog that supposedly predicts the remaining length of winter.

Police in Merrimac are trying to lighten the mood amid one of the bleakest winter stretches in recent memory by threatening the famous groundhog with arrest.

“We have received several complaints from the public that this little varmint is held up in a hole, warm and toasty,” police said in a Facebook post. “He told several people that winter would last 6 more weeks, however he failed to disclose that it would consist of mountains of snow!”

Police are asking residents to resist taking out their frustrations on Phil and not approach him because he’s “armed and dangerous.”

That might be an exaggeration, but one groundhog did bite a Wisconsin mayor’s ear this month after predicting an early spring.

“Call Merrimack Police, we will certainly take him into custody!” they said.

Here’s my question what will the officers do if the rodent resists arrest.

 

Man Goes To Extreme To Look Like Comic Book Character

redskullmovieThis right here is truly proof that sometimes FANDOM can possibly go a bit too far.

Now I myself am a comic book fan, hell I spent almost $1500 to recreate a Deathstroke costume (because I had it) but this right here is just WOW.

A serious comic fan has had subdermal implants, tattoos and part of his nose removed in an effort to make himself look like the Red Skull. My question is has anybody decided to check him for any levels of drugs.

(Fair warning: Actual photos follow.)

37-year-old Henry Damon of Caracas, Venezuela, long dreamed of looking like Captain America’s arch-nemesis. And now the married father has gotten his wish, thanks to Emilio Gonzalez, who dropped out of medical school to concentrate on tattooing and body modification.

Damon, who now goes by the name Red Skull, had ridges implanted in his forehead and his eyeballs tattooed black before really committing to the role with the removal of the nose. He polished it all off with red and black facial tattoos.

“Henry, aka Red Skull, is a physically and intellectually healthy person,’ Gonzalez said. “He’s an excellent son, husband and father, who has an extreme taste for body modification. Most of my customers know that body modification is the last step of body art, everyone knows very well what they want and as well as Henry, many of them are waiting for me for many years to make their dreams a reality.”

Maybe its just me but my man looks more like Satan than the Red Skull.

Redskull1

 

“Pay It With Love” Has Hilarious “Consequence”

mcdonalds-hug

So on Super Bowl Sunday McDonald’s ran their new “Pay it with Lovin’” campaign. Where supposedly between February 3rd and 14th, McDonald’s employees will be targeting random strangers and giving the option to perform an act of kindness to pay for their meal. How philanthropic of them!

Now this can completely go wrong in the right situatiion. Not everyone is super close with their family. And not everyone has living family members.

Case in point, this story on Reddit’s TIFU. As with all TIFU stories, we have no way of knowing if it’s actually true. But true or not, it’s currently trending on Reddit’s homepage, so if it’s an elaborate lie to make McDonald’s look bad — it’s a particularly effective one. Here’s the story in full (with typos corrected):

As many of you might know McDonalds is doing the promotion of paying with love, I happened to be one of the lucky “winners” of this promotion. It was great a $15 Mckey’D’s food binge for free, man I couldn’t believe my luck! They said all I had to do is call a family member and tell them “I love you”.

The start of the f*ck up is calling my mother who knows that I had a breif history with depression and suicidal thoughts from high school bullies, the second f*ck up is starting the call with I love you.

She immediately started to freak out (mostly because I’m over 1000 miles away from her and the closest family is about 300 miles away from me) and was pretty scared that I was about to commit suicide. Over the course of the next 15 minutes I was on the phone reassuring her that I indeed wasn’t about to kill myself and make sure that she wasn’t on the next plane to arrive and come to visit. (Afterwards she also mentioned that it had given her a small asthma attack, but nothing her inhaler couldn’t handle.)

Overall it wasn’t the worst thing that has happened, and the McDucks manager that was helping me thought it was so funny she paid for the other guys meal I was with along with handing me a handful of free sandwich coupons because it was the best laugh she has had at this job.

At this rate if this campaign works like this McDonald’s may have to stretch this out for a little bit longer.

Cable Company Changes Customer Billing Name To Profanity

comcastNow we understand that there are many people who work in customer service who get infuriated sometimes with customers and want to find a way to express how they feel.  But this here may go in the category of going WAY out of line.

Lisa Brown, the Spokane, Washington, woman whose billing account was renamed with a profanity after a run-in with a Comcast customer service representative, said Thursday she is “pretty satisfied” with attempts by Comcast to make good.

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Lisa Brown

Brown’s story has gone viral after news hit that the billing name on her family Comcast account was renamed “A**hole Brown” instead of her husband’s name, Ricardo Brown.

This came after a protracted call with Comcast in which Lisa Brown said she was trying to scale back their service to save money. They were instead passed to a consumer retention specialist who tried to keep their business.

And then came the day they got their bill addressed to “A**hole Brown.”

“I was shocked,” said Lisa Brown. “I was upset. I didn’t think we deserved it.”

The story broke Wednesday when a consumer advocacy blogger wrote about it on the Elliott.org web site.

A day later, it’s been picked up by numerous websites. Brown said she was doing interviews Thursday with Fox Business News and possibly CNN. The Browns’ story has been the number 1 story on CBSNews.com since it was published Wednesday night.

It’s not the first public relations black eye for Philadelphia-based Comcast, the country’s largest cable service provider. Last August, CBSNews.com reported how one customer was put on hold for three hours while trying to cancel service. Another customer recorded the difficulty he had canceling service over an eight-minute phone call.

Brown said she spoke with Charlie Herrin, Comcast’s senior vice president for customer experience, who expressed sincere apologies to the couple. Herrin issued a statement on the Comcast website, saying that the person who changed the billing account has been let go.

“In every interaction we have with a customer, we need to show them respect, patience, and enthusiasm to provide them with an excellent experience,” Herrin said in the statement.

“He was very professional, very polite, very apologetic,” said Brown. “He tried to turn it around.”

Comcast has cleared the couple’s existing balance of about $150 and verbally promised to refund their payments to Comcast for the past two years, Brown said.

“I’m very satisfied with what they’ve said to me verbally,” she said. “I’m still in the waiting process, though.”

New Study Measures Guy’s “Manhood” Based Off Of Their….NAMES

Tape MeasureNo matter what some progressive individuals may say, there are women who still find themselves concerned with the size of a man’s ….well MANHOOD.

Well this here may help some women out because it helps to identify which men potentially have the smallest manhood based on ….their FIRST NAME. Yup the thing that is on their birth certificate.

So Ladies!!! here is a list of male names that well you figure this out.

Whelp fellas if your name is on this list then I dont know what to say.

15) Jake or Jacob
14) Michael
13) Ethan
12) Anthony
11) James
10) Justin
9) Ian
8) Dustin
7) Jeremy
6) Jeff or Jeffrey
5) Nick or Nicholas
4) Chad
3) Chris or Christopher
2) Sean or Shawn

1) Tim or Timmy